How to be a Grandmother

1. Be willing to do anything, including going outside in the pouring rain so your grandchild can play in the puddles. 2. Be prepared to meet and greet all your neighbors, including children, because they will all want to come to your yard and play with and/or discuss the cutie patootie you're hanging out with now. 3. Be willing to forget about the cost of gas so you can visit playgrounds, libraries, farms and more so your grandchild can get out and have some fun. 4. Be willing to live with toy clutter, crumbs, spills and the smell of dirty diapers in your trash can in the 95 degree garage. 5. Be willing to demonstrate patience patience and more patience because you will have to explain the difference between "shredder" (what we spent the morning using yesterday) and "spreader" (which Umpa has hanging in the shed) at least 100 times. 6. Be willing to explain at least 100 times why the green grapes in the yard need to be purple before we can eat them, but the grapes in the grocery store are OK to eat when they're green. 7. Be willing to go outside in 90 degree heat with high humidity and push tricycles, start pretend lawnmowers and teach your grandson the difference between weeds and flowers. (Take full advantage of his willingness to pull weeds!) 8. Convince your 2 yr old grandchild to be patient while you try and figure out some of the words he's saying. For example: Sondo = Thunder. "No sondo?" Means "It's raining but I don't have to be scared, right?" 9. Understand that every button to every appliance, gizmo and on/off switch in the house will be pushed at least 10 times every day. 10. Know that potty training is only as successful as the participant is willing. And when he IS willing, place towels in every square inch of a two foot square space around the potty chair. 11. Understand it's OK not to eat any meat of any kind, cheese has protein, bananas are our friend, and sugar is our enemy if you value your sanity. 12. Understand that for a two year old, there is no such thing as quiet time, and he will be 100% go go go up to the milli-second his eyes close for nap time. 13. Lights are for turning on. Darkness has nothing to do with it. 14. You are, at all times, second choice. Umpa (grandfather) and Mama will always come first. 15. The attention span of a two year old is about 3 seconds shorter than the time it takes to glue a sticker on a weather calender. 16. Know that a 2 yr old must repeat every new word he learns at least 100 times to make sure he's got it right. He learns approximately 20 new words a day. You do the math. 17. A very heartfelt "Thank you, Umma" wipes away every finger smudge, every spilled juice, and every toe run over by a tricycle.